Little Work on the Prairie

Former SAG president Melissa Gilbert, 44, at the premiere of "American Identity" last week in Beverly Hills, and the anti-sag Jackie Stallone, 87. So alike, but only one has appeared on an episode of "Nip/Tuck," while the other has made it a habit.















Hat tip: Johnny L.

Who Are You? Who Who Who Who?

Roger Daltrey of The Who onstage in Australia last night, and the late actor, game show panelist and gay icon, Charles Nelson Reilly. So alike, and yet only one survived the Hartford Circus Fire.

Old Idols Nevah Die...

Once you've been on TV as an "American Idol," and take that long road down the Wannabeen Highway, you still get plenty of tail, as seen here in the new twosome of self-idolizing Constantin Maroulis and tiny sex titan Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Or they just happened to be at an Emmy Awards gala at the Marriott in NYC the other night, one or the other.

Photo by Brad Barket/Getty Images

Shirley Jones is 75

Before she was a spokesperson for Ralphs supermarkets, and before she was Mrs. Partridge, Shirley Jones was a musical star -- and here she is singing "It Might as Well Be Spring" by Rodgers and Hammerstein's -- as seen on the Danny Thomas show fifty years ago... including the curious lyrics:

"But I feel so gay in a melancholy way, that it might as well be spring."

Betty Deuce Busts Out the Good Jewels

Her Majesty busted out the sapphire crown for a Buckingham Palace state dinner last night in honor of Mexican Presidente Felipe Calderon and wife Margarita. Just to keep it real, she also wore the matching necklace and bracelet. Click the pic for a look at the gems!

Seriously, who doesn't love big jewels?


Betty and Phil sure know how to turn it out!


Photos by Stephen Hird and Johnny Green/WPA Pool/Getty Images

Serdar's Soccer Stare

That black-eyed guy with the kiss-me lips is Serdar Tasci of Germany, as seen during a World Cup qualifying match in Leipzig.

It's settled. I'm going to ask Serdar to Seder.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Hide the Matzoh edition.

Photo by Stuart Franklin/Bongarts/Getty Images

Una Otra Reina en Rosado (Another Queen in Pink)

OMG! It looks like Betty Deuce threw on one of those giant party sombreros!

Alas, she's only toddling around an exhibit of stuff from Mexico in the Royal Collection -- while Mexico's President Felipe Calderon and Senora Zavala visit.

Here's some of the royal collection not displayed in the exhibit...


Photo by Tim Whitby/Getty Images

Gone with the Wind, Honey

A tranny hooker/cater waiter lost her wig in the windy Los Angeles weather this weekend, but managed to hang on to a street sign to keep from blowing away... and was able to make it to her gig serving guests at David Geffen's house.

Or that's Perez Hilton in his best party dress for his birthday bash.


Photo by COP/BuzzFoto/FilmMagic

Horror at Uzbeki Circus

The Kazakh Flying Circus performed last night in downtown Uzbekistan, with high-wire act Sventlana Boryenka donning her signature leopard flying suit, atomic makeup and plutonium enriched hair for the evening's acrobatics.

Or, it's Christina Aguilera at Perez Hilton's birthday party Saturday in Los Angeles. One or the other.


Getty

Princess Bea Lines

The loveliness that is Her Royal Highness Princess Beatrice Elizabeth Mary of York, 20, stands before the watchful eye of a portrait of her grandmother, Betty Deuce, at London's Royal Albert Hall event to benefit the Teenage Cancer Trust.

As the daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, Bea has clearly inherited poise and good looks from both sides of her family!

Beatrice is fifth in line to the throne, for which she is not seen waiting in this picture.


Photo by Simone Joyner/Getty Images

Amy and the Day with Uncles Brian and Charlie

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, spent the day with her favorite uncles, Brian and Charlie, who, very concerned about Amy's adventures with Carolyn and Fahd's family going to -- as Brian called them -- "unseemly places like Applebee's," asked to take Amy for the day. They were having a little gathering and Charlie decided he would teach Amy how to make his famous pasta sauce and let her help by adding the items to the blender.


Charlie told Amy she was "the second best helper ever," and to "go help Uncle Brian now." Last week, Brian was quite upset about Amy's experience with Applebee's Nachos, so he decided to make her some fancy nachos from a recipe in The Advocate. He let Amy carry them from the warming oven.


It was at this point that Charlie insisted that Brian find Amy something else to do, and when Brian asked what, Charlie said, "Why don't you give her a margarita and dress her up like Carmen Miranda and have her sing -- just not in the kitchen, okay, dear?" Which he did. Yes, I know, she's big for six.


Brian and Charlie sent Amy back to Carolyn's in her Carmen Miranda outfit. As you can see by her expression, Carolyn was not amused.


Amy told me that Brian and Charlie served their guests slices of Trader Joe's pizza instead of "Fabuloso Nachos." Charlie told me that Amy was almost as good a helper as Brian. Carolyn told me it took her over an hour to remove Amy's makeup and eyelashes.

Amy said she "had the bestest time ever," and that "their friends are soooooo nice!"


Click here for more Amy stories.

Open the Oven Bay Door, Scott

Get a, er, load of this new "Toasty Torpedo" ad from Quizno's. The tag line, "Put it in me, Scott" is sure to become legend.

"Scott... I want you to do something..."

"I'm not doing that again!"



Watch for this ad at next year's GLAAD Media Awards. Yeah, I got your toasty torpedo, right here, pal.


Hat tip: Steven D.

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Here's a curious game they're playing in Barbados... they say it's cricket. Stuart Broad of England appears to have just been paddled by a guy on the West Indies team. This may catch on in the U.S. yet!

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Smack It edition, brought to you by Cricket. She speaks for herself.


Photo by Julian Herbert/Getty Images

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

It's almost April Fool's Day... and I'm on a total Brazilian music kick. Remember this? Sergio Mendes and Brazil '66!



Here's Judy Garland waiting for a ride in the Alice in Wonderland Bus Depot, circa 1962. "But fools will be fools... and where's he gone to?"



From a Swedish concert in 1968, Miss Aretha Franklin weighs in with "Chain of Fools." Chain chain chain... of fast food restaurants.




And now, more fabulous animation from Alex Budovsky!

Hole in One Courtney

Refabricated rock widow Courtney Love as she appeared at the opening of an exhibit in Beverly Hills last night, and pre-refab Courtney Love before she changed species. So alike, and yet only one is still living.

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Oh, great... here's another new sport just right for me... except that it's played in daylight.

Adam Ashely-Cooper demonstrates something-or-other during a training session of the Brambies in South Africa. One needs to keep their Brambies in good shape, am I right, men? And not crowded like this.


This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, C'mon Lay Down edition.


Photo by Steve Haag/Gallo Images/Getty Images

Betty Deuce Gets a Brolly

Her Majesty, Betty Deuce, put on her best fuchsia coat, turban and orthopedic wedgies and dropped by the Fulton Umbrellas factory -- as much as a queen can "drop by." Seems some queen or another is always dropping by my place.

Betty asked for "an umbrella for her dear friend, Chexy."

It's true! You wouldn't take away an old queen's dreams, now would you?


Photo by Arthur Edwards-Pool/Getty Images

Prince Charles -- The Royal Stare

Without much to do until he becomes king, Prince Charles engaged in a staring contest Thursday with 4-year-old Amelia Webb during a royal visit to Aldford Village Hall.

The prince won handily, being used to having to look at Camilla for hours on end.



Photo by Dave Thompson - WPA Pool/Getty Images
Camilla: Wireimage

Mounties to Protect Robert Pattinson

According to reports, "Twilight" heartthrob Robert Pattinson and his hair are being protected by former Canadian Mounties on the set of the sequel, "New Moon."


That's a relief! And do you know the name of Dudley Do-Right's horse?

Click here for the answer!

Chexy's Sports Roundup

I had no idea that cricket looked like so much fun. That's English cricketer James Anderson at a game in Barbados. Click to enlarge the picture, if you need a better idea of how cricket is played.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, I'm Just Trying to Be Helpful edition.

For more of Chexy's Sports Roundups, click here!

Photo by Julian Herbert/Getty Images

Chexy's Fashion Report: Japan Fashion Week

Here's a good look... if you're an S&M dental hygienist practicing in an English barnyard. (Is S&M dental hygienist redundant?)

This is an upholstered offering from the Somarta show at Japan Fashion Week in Tokyo. The doctor will see you now.


Photo by Junko Kimura/Getty Images

Chuckie and Maggie

Prince Charlie appears to have put on a little weight while on his Brazilian jaunt -- or the royal tailor is tucking him in tight! Why is that jacket so short? Necktie courtesy of British Airways.

Here's Chaz with former Iron Maiden and object of Reagan lust Lady Maggie Thatcher, 83, and a couple of retirees who dress up like that for kicks, as seen at the opening of a clinic named for Mrs. T.

Camilla was not in attendance, as she was having her hair shellacked.

Gayle and Oprah Marry

(Gloucester, Mass.) Addison Gilbert Hospital volunteer coordinator Gayle King married her longtime friend and co-worker, cafeteria cashier Oprah Winfrey, in a quiet ceremony yesterday. "Today is special," said Gayle. "Yes, today's special," said Oprah, "is Walnut Chicken Stir Fry."


Photo: PlanetHiltron.com

Talk to the Hand

During President Obama's East Room press conference (above) on Tuesday, CNN's Ed Henry asked why he waited a few days before he expressed outrage over the AIG bonuses.

"It took us a couple of days because I like to know what I'm talking about before I speak," answered Obama, sharply (for him).

Imagine that... a president who thinks!

Photo: Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty Images

Chexy's Sports Roundup

This fiercely eyebrowed dude is Florian Fromlowitz, that's right, Fromlowitz, the U21 German national football team, as he appeared at the team photocall yesterday.

Florian spent the off season with a tweezers and some old Joan Crawford films.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, What the Pluck edition.


Photo by Lars Baron/Bongarts/Getty Images

Phil Spector is Adorable!

Meshuggeneh/music producer Phil Spector at his murder retrial yesterday, and one of the My Little Pony ponies. So alike, and yet only one lives in a dream castle.

The Great Houdini

Today marks the 135th anniversary of the birth of Ehrich Weisz, better known as Harry Houdini. He died in 1926, but not from being suspended in his water chamber escape as depicted in the Tony Curtis movie about his life. Houdini died of peritonitis after his appendix ruptured, quite possibly because of several blows to the stomach in a dare gone bad.

Houdini was the highest-paid performer in American Vaudeville. A lifelong skeptic, he offered thousands to anyone who could prove communication with the dead. No one ever collected.


It is not widely known, but Houdini was also a pioneer aviator, and he gave Buster Keaton the nickname "Buster" because of his stunt ability. (Real name Joseph Francis Keaton.)


Houdini's funeral was attended by 2,000 mourners. He was 52. David Copperfield now owns the few remaining artifacts of Houdini's career, including Edison cylinders of his voice.

Frozen Guv

Mr. Freeze's frozen face appeared on "Meet the Press" with a worried NYC Mayor Bloomberg, where Arnold explained that increasing taxes on his Botox and hair dye could save California.

The two, along with PA Gov. Rendell, have teamed up to urge Obama to invest in rebuilding the nation's transportation infrastructure.



Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images for Meet the Press

Amy and the Applebee's

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, has decided that Applebee's is the new godhead, not only in culinary arts but decorative arts as well. This epiphany occurred on a trip to the Applebee's in Bell Gardens, with, who else, her mother Carolyn and her boyfriend Fahd, his sister Yalda and her thumbless husband Hank, their daughter Pushpeh and son Fawad, and Fahd's mother. Amy came home wanting me to nail her guitar to the wall, and having endured her playing for a number of months, I gladly obliged.


The mystery platter you see above is a gastronomic endeavor called the "Appetizer Sampler," containing Mozzarella Sticks, Spinach & Artichoke Dip, Cheese Quesadilla Grande with bacon, and Boneless Buffalo Wings, which Amy compared to McNuggets, "only crunchierer... and you get three dippers!" she said with the excitement of someone discovering that a three-day rain had ended.


The above Jackson Pollockish dish is an order of Applebee's title-defying Nacho Appetizer, ordered by Hank, and it would take a special sort of gourmand to find this offering to be appetizing. Fawad ordered the Kids' Macaroni and Cheese, and an Oreo Cookie Shake. Amy probably fibbed when she told me she had the Oriental Chicken Salad, but I didn't question her.

Speaking of mystifying, I could not help but ask what Carolyn ordered since she's on Weight Watchers, and as you can see by her expression, she's quite pleased with her weight loss.


Amy answered gleefully, "The Clubhouse Grill!" -- the contents of which (above) appear to be turkey, ham, bacon, pseudo-cheese and a generous dollop of mayonnaise, served on appropriately greased and grilled "bread."


The cause for this banquet celebration was the tournament victory of Fahd and Hank's bowling league, "The Gardena Ballerinas" over the "Bell Gardens Flanges."

Amy came home and immediately began redecorating her room. "I'm going from Hello Kitty Chic to Applebee's Classy," she declared with all the panache of a TV redecoration hostess one might see while surfing cable. Fahd dropped his mother off at bingo. Yalda did Carolyn's nails while Pushpeh did her ESL homework. Fawad threw up in Hank's pickup on the way back to Gardena.


Click here for more Amy stories.

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

As of yesterday, it's Springtime... for Hitler~! From Mel Brooks' original "The Producers" in 1968.



Now let's get to it with The Propellerheads and the great Shirley Bassey -- with a little bit of History Repeating.



Ladies and gentlemen... The Beatles, performing Penny Lane... in a cartoon... so odd.



It's spring... and asparagus is in season... this is how I like it.

Angelina Must Have More Tots

After New York police failed to restrain her, Angelina Jolie fought her way into a Bronx orphanage and adopted every child inside, getting 146 more tattoos to keep track of where they're all from.

Or this is yet another pic of her in dumb wigs for a movie called "Salt."


Getty

Once You Go Baba...

TV's yenta bubba Barbara Walters, 132, was seen last night with Wall Streeter and former MLK speechwriter Clarence B. Jones, at the 39th annual National Salute to Black Achievers in Industry Awards.

Babs blabbed in her autobiography that she'd had an affair in the 1870s with married black Senator Edward Brooke. She also talked about her adventures with Harriet Tubman in the underground railroad, the invention of television, and how they made fire when she was a child.


Photo by Rob Loud/Getty Images

Remembering Fred

Today would have been the 95th birthday of character actor Fred Clark. You might remember him as the dyspeptic studio executive Sheldrake in "Sunset Blvd.," or as some other aggravated bureaucrat in a slew of TV comedies, usually chomping a cigar. I liked him as Mr. Babcock in the film version of "Auntie Mame" with Roz Russell.

If you watch or watched 60's TV, you've seen him dozens of times in "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "The Dick Van Dyke Show" and "Petticoat Junction." He died at age 54 of a liver ailment, having starred in 70 films and guested in dozens of TV shows. Fred Clark has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, at 1711 N. Vine, in front of Dan-Dee Shoe Repair.


For other famous Freds, check out the Fred Society!


Photo: Find-A-Grave

Is This a Hat?

Need a new look for a job interview? This wouldn't be it.

This wacky ensemble is a creation of "Fool," as seen at the Melbourne Fashion Festival.

This has been Chexy's Fashion Report, Keep It Down Under edition.


Photo by Graham Denholm/Getty Images

Another Hot Queen!

Another hot queen! That's Queen Bee of the Netherlands, swathed in pink while on a royal stroll at the International Flower show -- wearing a nuclear mushroom cloud hat!


Ka-boom!

Love What You've Done with the Place!

Former peanut farmer and US President Jimmy Carter was seen leaving the White House this morning. He and wife Rosalynn dropped by their old digs to visit the new residents.

Carter, 84, is a distant relative of Elvis Presley and was the first president born in a hospital.

I wish he'd looked a little cheerier on his way out of the meeting.


Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images

Another Queen in Pink

That white-haired hotness is Queen Margrethe II of Denmark with Prince Henrik at a gala evening celebrating sports at Christiansborg Castle in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen. Nice floor!

Her majesty is also an artist. Her illustrations, under the pseudonym Ingahild Grathmer, were used for the Danish edition of The Lord of the Rings. She's also a chainsmoker, age 68.


Photo by Schiller Graphics/Getty Images

Cole Hamels is Okay

Hunky Phillies pitching ace Cole Hamels is okay after the lefty complained of a sore elbow.

My left elbow is hurting just thinking about him.

He received an injection and felt relieved, and should be able to toss again on Thursday.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Sore Cole Edition.

Betty Deuce Goes Green

Behold her loveliness, Betty Deuce, as she dons the St. Patrick's Day green to host a reception for the 25th anniversary of a hospice organization. Under a frozen cloud of white hair embellished by the most reluctant pearl necklace among the royal jewels, Betty wore her dashing black Zorro gloves to shake hands with the great unwashed volunteers.

Here are some of Betty's looks from the '60s and '70s. Some things never change clothes.

Photo by Johnny Green/WPA Pool/Getty Images
Queen collage: Fashion-Era.com

Camilla and Chuck Play Shell Game

His Royal Highness, Chaz, Prince of Wales, and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall stopped to greet a giant tortoise on Tuesday during a tour of Galapagos, Ecuador.

It is believed to be the first time Camilla has ever seen a big one.


Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images

Skiing Bad

Actress Natasha Richardson is in critical condition after hitting her head Sonny Bono style while skiiing in Canada. This is why Jews don't ski. I mean, some do, but they're goyim. Who needs to go hurtling down a mountain on sticks, in the snow, no less?

Speaking of Jews, her mother is notorious Jew-hater and farbissiner Vanessa Redgrave, big fan of the PLO.

Michael Kennedy, son of Bobby, died in 1997 after a ski crash in Aspen. Sonny ate it in 1998 in Lake Tahoe. Michel Trudeau, son of the former Canadian Prime Minister died at age 23 in an avalanche while skiing in British Columbia. All gentiles.

Here's Vanessa's speech when she won her Oscar for "Julia" in 1978, followed by screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky's comment on her "Zionist hoodlums" remark. Watch for Barbara Stanwyck in the house!



And now, especially for Vanessa, here's a Jew we can all hate... the Dept. of Justice released Bernie Madoff's mugshot today, an embarrassment to his people.



Photo: Getty Images
London Bureau Chief Andy contributed to this report.

Nicolas Cage: Gettin' Wiggy

Alleged actor Nicolas Cage brought his new caps and hairpiece to Letterman last night. The 45-year-old nepostar keeps making movies; he's booked for another six. At age 40, he married a 20-year-old sushi waitress. Is that kind of nose found in nature?

He was paid $16,000,000 for "Snake Eyes." Here's a sample that comes up in a YouTube search for: nicolas cage bad acting




Chexydecimal's Atlanta Intern Jake offers another ghastly batch of Cage clips.

Take My YouTube Clip, Please

Henny Youngman would have been 103 today. He died at age 91 after 60 years in show biz. I met him once in the '80s when I was working in a private movie theatre and he and Morey Amsterdam kibbitzed around in my office. He was once performing in a hotel, and there was a Bar Mitvah going on in another ballroom. He approached the kid's father, and did twenty minutes at the Bar Mitzvah... for a fee. He was a workhorse comic who rarely missed a job. Here's a clip from "The Hollywood Palace" TV show in 1968.

But Ya Are, Blanche, Ya Are

Former child star Baby Jane Hudson appeared last night at the Metropolitan Opera's 125th Anniversary Gala at Lincoln Center, where she was not accompanied by Edwin Flagg on piano.


This Mary-Kate Olsen doll is on sale now... scare the kids.


MK Photos by Rob Loud/Getty Images

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Mike Tindall of England has the attention of Cedric Heymans of France during a championship match in England.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Tossed Salad Days Edition.


Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

Amy and the Miniature Horse

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, went on a "hike" with her mother Carolyn, and Carolyn's boyfriend Fahd's sister Yalda and her stepson, Fawad, son of Hank, who both drove in from Torrance for the day. Amy is not known for her athleticism and was rightfully more concerned with what to wear for a springtime trek in the canyon, settling on this Hello Kitty costume, and Carolyn allowed it in the name of encouraging Amy's creativity. Yes, I know, she's big for six. The head was removed for the hike, under quite a protest from Amy, who, like Carolyn, has her moments.

Carolyn chose her cheery butterfly t-shirt which almost distracts from the fact that she's lost another two pounds on Weight Watchers. She claims smoking "helps her keep her weight down." So will cancer, I used to remind her, until a court order prevented her from smoking around our little angel.


What was an ordinary hike in the park turned anything but ordinary when Amy and Fawad encountered a miniature horse roaming the hillside. It was very tame, and Fawad, 5, got on it for a little ride. Amy did too, and the horse responded with a broken leg.


It's quite a long story about how the little horse (above) came to be meandering in the hills, but suffice it to say that it was soon returned to its rightful owner, a privileged youngster named Jerome, as seen here after the horse was treated at a local animal hospital.

Amy and Fawad decided that they would best recuperate from their strenuous workout and tiny equine ordeal by having a Happy Meal at McDonald's.


Cost of an upgraded Happy Meal, $4.00, cost of a miniature horse's broken leg repair, $3,216.32. Amy's happiness, priceless.

Carolyn and Yalda shared a 30-piece McNuggets. Fawad threw up in the backseat of Yalda's Olds Cutlass on the way back to Torrance.


Click here for more Amy stories.

Lucky Chucky

Prince Charles ditched Camilla and went for a little romp in the rain forest, as seen here in a royal dance with a 20-year-old villager at Santaram. This is the happiest Chaz has looked in years. A 20-year-old Brazilian will do that to a man.


Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

Bring on the dancing girls! The June Taylor Dancers! Here's the opening of a 1962 Jackie Gleason show -- imagine, they did this every week! It's a little grainy, but great.




I thought we'd have some instructional video today. Boy meets girl... Serenity. You might want to turn down the music.




Here's a gorgeous video to "The Bridge," by the great American poet, Hart Crane.




Susan Hayward died March 14, 1975. Here's a clip from "I Want to Live!"

Camilla's Brazilian Wind

Is it just me or does Camilla just keep getting prettier? Right, it's just me.

Here's the Duchess of Cornwall at the Rio Negro Palace in Brazil on Friday looking very much like she's just had an embarrassing expulsion of gas. She is a little bloated, and that gauzy paisley blouse doesn't help hide those extra helpings of Shepherd's Pie.

When Chaz becomes King, Cammy will be known as Her Royal Highness The Princess Consort, or as Charles calls her, "Ol' Stanky Knickers."


Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images

Boxer Brief

Boxer Amir Khan stands in his boxers at the weigh-in for his March 14 bout against Marco Antonio in Manchester, England. Yah, that's lucky Don King behind him.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, King Khan Edition.

And now, enjoy this fuckin' short video.


Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images

Betty Deuce in A Day at the Races

Betty Deuce loves her some ponies! Her majesty plopped on a blood red bucket hat and dragged her act to the Cheltenham racecourse today. I don't imagine someone snuck up from behind and goosed her. No, I don't imagine that.




Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

Camilla Thrilla in Brazil

At last, the Duchess of Cornwall stands agape in Rio after leaving her hovel in Britain for a jaunty leap to Brazil! Where hearts are entertaining June! I love it when Cammy brings out her parasol -- it makes her look almost female.

Chaz appears to be diggin' the display -- this is more sex than he's had since never. The royals are on a 10-day tour of South America -- with visits slated for Chile, Brazil, Ecuador and the Galapagos.


And now, enjoy this lovely cartoon by Alex Budovsky, featuring music by The Real Tuesday Weld!




Photos by Chris Jackson/Getty Images

The Future King and Di

The future King of England, Prince William, 26, as seen at a fancy dinner in London last night... and his mother, the late Diana, Princess of Wales.

Hello Dalai

His Holiness the Dalai Lama put on his celebratory golden robes at the at the Tsuklag Khang (say it with me: Tsuklag Khang) Temple in Dharamsala, India on Wednesday, marking 50 years of exile from Tibet. This might be a good look for a party, if I went to parties.

Contrary to popular belief, the Dalai Lama is not a vegetarian.




Photo by Daniel Berehulak/Getty Images

Chexy's Sports Roundup

It's nice to see that the Houston Rockets have hired natural, wholesome-looking girls to serve as their cheerleaders, as seen last night at a game against the L.A. Lakers. And what nice pom-poms!

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Platinum Edition.

Chexy's Fashion Report -- The Look of the Season

Now here's a look that totally works!

Wunderkind showed this checked-out look at Paris Fashion Week -- and I say, bring it!

Photo by Karl Prouse/Catwalking/Getty Images

I Love Alexander

An Alexander McQueen creation on yesterday's Paris runway, and Ethel and Lucy in their Jacques Marcel creations. Only one is for real.

Chexy's Fashion Report -- Alexander McQueen

These are a couple of outfits from Alexander McQueen's "Ready to Wear" line as seen on the Paris runway yesterday. I'm thinking my Great Aunt Yetta would look good in this birdcage outfit.


Winter weather got you down? How about a little pick-me-up in this blizzard-ready pseudo-houndstooth suit and matching parasol hat? If Michelle Obama really wanted to set some fashion trends, she'd cover up her exercised arms with this!

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Here's a pic from something called the World Baseball Classic in Mexico City. That's James Brasford of Australia leaping over Alfredo Despaigne of Cuba during a double play. I didn't know Australians could fly.

Oh, Cuba won.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Pardon Me, Mate edition.


Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

The Michael Jackson Dress

It's all the rage in Paris! Jean-Charles de Castelbajac has designed this Michael Jackson dress for Paris Fashion Week.

My friend Jill said it best: "Finally, something I can wear to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah."


Nathalie Lagneau/Catwalking/Getty Images

You Never See Them Together

Reconstructed pop wreck Miss Michael Jackson announcing his July concerts in London on Friday... and plasticized comedy relic Joan Rivers as she appeared at the Sydney Mardi Gras last week.


Only one of them has daughter who looks just like her.

A Dog's Look

Ripped from the headlines and thrown onto the runway... Martha Stewart's exploded Chow dog is memorialized in this Manish Arora Ready-to-Wear as seen on a clearly burdened model at Paris Fashion Week on Tuesday. Wanna go for a walk?! Down the runway?!

The look of the stockings was not achieved by standing near the curb in a rainstorm.


Getty Images

Uh-Oh, Dolly

Beloved country transsexual superstar Dolly Parton attended the opening of "33 Variations" last night in NYC, starring her old "9-5" friend, Jane Fonda. There is a time in every woman's life when lip liner must be abandoned. That time was ten years ago for Dolly, who no longer looks like a cartoon of her former self, she just looks like a fabulous, wigged-out, terrifying cartoon. Most of Dolly Parton is 62 years old. What a way to make a living!



Getty Images

Remembering Tibet

No, that's not Dolly Parton before hair and makeup. I think.

That's a member of the Tibetan community who was present at a wreath-laying ceremony outside Westminster Abbey today, marking the 50th anniversary of the Tibetan uprising against Chinese occupation.

According to the Tibetan Government in Exile and captured Chinese documents, an estimated 86,000 Tibetans died in the 1959 uprising.


Getty Images

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Steve Turner jogs with a ball during a training session in Melbourne.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Gratuitous Cutie Edition.


Robert Prezioso/Getty Images

Drew, Is That You? Part Deux

Drew Barrymore continues her metamorphosis toward full Angie Dickinsonism on the April cover of W. So alike, and yet only one is seen shopping at the Ralphs on Coldwater.




More Drew/Angie here.

Karma is a Dead Bitch

Martha Stewart, reportedly one of the supreme bitches of all-time, lost her adorable Chow dog Genghis Khan in a propane explosion at a kennel.

Pity, isn't it? Martha was uninjured.

Martha has already made herself a scarf from the dog's remains.

My Kingdom for a Horse

His Royal Highness Prince William, 26, admires a horse during a visit to a police training college in London. When he was a child, he said he wanted to be a policeman. His brother Harry famously told him, "You can't. You have to be King."

Photo by Tim Whitby/Getty Images

Amy and the Glass Elevator

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, went with her mother, Carolyn, and Carolyn's boyfriend Fahd's sister Yalda and her daughter, Pushpeh, to a Jiffy Lube "What Drives You?" Scholarship presentation at the Hyatt in Anaheim on Sunday morning, where Yalda was to be a presenter. After attending a Weight Watchers meeting down the street, they all got into the glass elevator, which promptly got stuck a few feet above the lobby floor.

Amy told me she didn't get excited because Carolyn had just purchased five boxes of Weight Watchers cheese & cracker snack packs, so she "knew they would survive until we were rescued."


People in the lobby gathered to gawk. "Now I know how the elephants at the zoo feel," reported Carolyn without a shred of self-deprecation. It took thirty-two minutes and four and a half boxes of cheese & cracker snack packs to rescue them. That's Amy in the blue dress. Yes, I know she's big for six.

Carolyn was really miffed about the whole thing (as you can see by her expression) and registered her complaint at the front desk, where they gave her a coupon for 10% off a Sunday brunch, somehow knowing that nothing could assuage her ill humor with quite the expediency of a discounted meal.


Carolyn wore her good backpack purse for the event. Yalda was able to make it back to Gardena in time for her shift.


Amy ate the last half box of crackers in the car, sharing one with Pushpeh.


Click here for more Amy stories.

Wonky and Willie

It looks like Paris Hilton went and got her wonky eye rewonked for her 28th birthday party at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, which she attended with BF of the month Doug Reinhardt.


Photo by Isaac Brekken/Getty Images

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

Daylight Savings Time begins tonight! Spring forward! Bring on the dancing girls! Here's Patti Lupone with "Anything Goes"!



Spring is near... and a rose is a rose...



Isn't nature beautiful?



And by request of Chexydecimal fan Lorraine in Butler, New Jersey... here's a clip from "Zorba the Greek," starring Anthony Quinn and Alan Bates.

Michael Jackson's Nose

Miss Michael Jackson, 50, announced at a press conference yesterday that she would be performing 10 shows in London this July. It appears that cartilage from her ear that was reportedly transplanted to repair her crucified nose has held, and as always, her look is complemented by a lovely lipstick and creamy base maquillage.

Below is an artist's conceptual age progression of how MJ might have looked without the surgeries.


"Hee hee."

Pitt Still Fighting for New Orleans

US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with actorvist Brad Pitt on Capitol Hill Thursday to discuss his "Make it Right" project, which constructs affordable and environmentally sustainable housing for low income residents in the Lower 9th Ward of New Orleans, devastated by Katrina in August 2005.

A tough day for Pelosi. Meanwhile, another blow for New Orleans... Jessica Simpson has announced performances there.


Tim Sloan/AFP/Getty Images

Oy, My Zelda

That's 92-year-old New York socialite and scenester Zelda Kaplan seen at fundraiser last night in New York. She has traveled widely in Africa on behalf of women there. A former ballroom instructor, she was the subject of the 2002 documentary, "Her Name is Zelda."

This put me in the mind of Allan Sherman, whose version of "My Zelda" isn't on YouTube (except performed by others). But here he is singing "Skin." Sherman died in 1973.

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Ladies, please! There's enough for everyone!

Here's a match in Australia between the Waratahs and the Reds. Oh yeah, that looks like a lot of fun.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, There Are No Jewish Rugby Players Edition.


Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

Looky, Y'all, I'm Wellers!

Hey y'all... it's Mother of the Year Britney Jean Spears, who took time out from her busy touring schedule to schlep her boys to Disney World.

This post brought to you by the makers of Risperdal and Seroquel.


click pic to enlarge

Chexy's Cartoon Corner -- Barbie @ 50

Thanks to Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune, Utah

Schwarzenegger Terrified

No, not by the budget crisis, silly! California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger appears to be momentarily horrified after catching a glimpse of his dye job in the rear view mirror of a new Volkswagen at the International Motor Show in Geneva.


Photo by Miguel Villagran/Getty Images

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Here's more of that wacky new sport taking the world by shitstorm. I like this sport because you don't break a sweat and you're able to catch up on your rest. Some dude from Kuwait is bitching to a ref about waking him up early.

I think napping and exercise are a natural together. League sign-ups begin next Thursday. Wine permitted on field.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, Could You Move Over a Little Edition.


Getty

The Lost Marx Brother

Studio City's own wannabe American Idol, Alex Wagner-Trugman, and piano playing Marx brother, Chico Marx. So alike, and yet only one was a world-class pinochle player.

Bindi Done Dat

This Hindu woman nearly severed her finger on Camilla's hair while applying the traditional bindi dot to the Duchess of Cornwall's rarely seen forehead.

Camilla popped up at the Hindu Festival of Holi with a visit to Neasden Temple in London today, where she removed her shoes to reveal a pair of comely feet.


Photo by Tim Whitby/Getty Images

Circus Opens

A pharmaceutically repaired Britney Spears at last night's premiere of her "Circus" tour, and a sequined Liza Minnelli at her 1987 Carnegie Hall concert. So alike, and yet only one married a fag, went to rehab, had a problem with her mother, got divorced performed in New Orleans last night.

Tina, 69

Miss Tina Turner will be 70 in November. Yes, that's right, seventy. She worked it out at the 02 Arena in London yesterday on her "50th Anniversary Tour."

Now if she'd only give Rihanna a good talkin' to. When her abusive ex-husband Ike Turner died in December 2007, Tina issued this statement: "Tina hasn’t had any contact with Ike in more than 30 years. No further comment will be made."

Tina makes her own wigs.


Getty/Jo Hale

The Duchess and Her Girls

Sarah Ferguson showed off her girls last night! Ah, at last, a royal fix!

Here they are, rarely photographed together, Princess Eugenie, 18, her Weight-Watchin' mom Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, 49, and Princess Beatrice, 20, as seen at the premiere of "The Young Victoria" in Leicester Square on Tuesday.

At 12, Eugenie had back surgery for scoliosis, from which she completely recovered. Beatrice was diagnosed as dyslexic. She worked as an extra on the film about her great-great-great-great grandmother, Queen Victoria. Fergie does a lot of charity work and recently appeared on "Tyra" to talk about Weight Watchers.


Photo by Dave Hogan/Getty Images

The Bachelor's Mistake

Like "The Bachelor" Jason Mesnick, I too made a terrible mistake last night... by watching "The Bachelor."

I endured the relentless soft porn of him kissing these two shrill-voiced strumpets, and the endless repetition of the word "awesome," which is the catchall adjective to be used by reality TV show contestants. Awesome. These people kiss like their lips were coated with onion. I can't imagine what the French think of this show.

This was a drama so exciting, I was able to doze off just before the big reveal, with Jason's family and the exploitation of his young son having put me in a near stupor. Should I find it amazing that this show is so popular?

Apparently, he dumped his choice for the runner-up, and ABC is able to squeeze yet another episode out of this awesome tripe. What's next? He'll dump her for Jesse?

By George, He's Got It

Father of our country George Washington, and motherfucker of our country Bernie Madoff.

(by Stephen Saban, World of Wonder)

Gaga for Angelyne

Singer Lady Gaga, as seen on the streets of Hollywood yesterday, and former Hollywood billboard queen and Calif. gubernatorial candidate Angelyne in 1996. So alike, and yet only one appears on the album cover of "American Graffiti, Volume 3."


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The Credit Crisis Explained

My brilliant nephew Jake linked me to this swell animation to explain the credit crisis.




The Crisis of Credit Visualized
from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Reports of Death Not Quite Exaggerated

The death of British character actor Eric Blore on March 2, 1959 caused quite a stir, since he'd been accidentally reported as "the late Eric Blore" by Kenneth Tynan in The New Yorker magazine the week prior.

As a retraction was readied for print -- the first retraction in the magazine's history -- Blore dropped dead. The next day, newspapers announced his death, while The New Yorker apologized for reporting it. This is perhaps why they tell you not to believe your own publicity.

Blore can be seen as the top-hatted con artist "Birdy" in this clip from one of my favorite films, Preston Sturges' "The Lady Eve."

Octomom: Britney Spears 8.0

Octomom is the new Britney Spears, seen here Sunday with the obligatory Starbucks cup appropriately replaced by a bottle. She's the boffo star of our national freak show, who comes with her own cast of characters, including the octuplets, her mom and dad, and 6 other li'l crackers.

Why the fascination with this mentally challenged woman? Why not?! She meets every requirement for freakdom; an altered face, an astounding feat, unpredictability, she's slightly frightening... and she walks among us.

With Britney's crazy well under control, we had no national freak to distract us from our own sideshows, when along comes the sensational Octomom, with the exotic name of Nadya Suleman, who can flap her inflated Jolie lips and beguile a nation. Get ready for the reality show, because it's inevitable.

Amy and the Antique Chair

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, has been kind of obsessed with Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I took her to the flea market yesterday, where we found this beautiful antique chair. Amy loved it and asked me to buy it for her room. "It's just right, Ricky! And it's antique-y like you like!"

My little angel doesn't ask for much, so I asked the dealer how much he wanted for it. Just as the words "Nine hundred" left his lips, Amy perched on her find.


There was the unmistakable sound of cracking, ripping, and probably the first crunching that Amy has not found to her liking. "This porridge is too cold," said Amy, mixing up her own adventures. "Sold," said the man, who was also selling guns.


"I don't have that kind of cash," I said, swiftly, thinking there would be at least some discount, or bloodshed. "I also take credit cards," replied tattooed gun man, whose shirt's applied design was indecipherable but seemed related to heavy metal, as did his aroma. "That's a Shmindelhoeffer Brothers chair from Sas-kat-chew-on," -- I'm not sure I heard anything he said because it was at this point that my mind went completely blank, as it often does when I'm confronted with men of his ilk, particularly when there's the implied threat of bodily harm involved, especially my own.


Perhaps sensing my paralysis, Amy piped in, "Nine hundred friggin' dollars! Hey, mister, I'm sorry I broke your chair, but..."

And with that remark, Flea Market Tattooed Gun Guy broke up laughing as if someone were projecting an epsiode of "Hee Haw" behind us. He then approached Amy and pinched her cheek saying, "You're quite a little lady, and if you're sorry, that's good enough for me. How old are you?"

"Thanks, dude! I'm six!" said Amy, leading me away by the hand as if I had left my red and white cane in the car. "She's big for six!" said Gun Guy. "Yes, I know," I said, being pulled by my little force of nature.


Amy, having saved the day, insisted that I take her to Goldilocks Filipino bakery, her favorite, all the way over on South Vermont Ave., so she could get these purple coconut rice things she likes.


And I was happy to buy them for her.

Three Smart Guys

Congratulations to the phenomenal Tyler Hinman, 24, (left), who for the fifth year in a row is the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament winner. Congrats also to genius constructor Trip Payne (center) (also seen in "Wordplay" and the first contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" to win $32,000) who repeated last year's second place finish, and writer/puzzle editor/humorist Francis Heaney (right) who placed third.


This was the 32nd annual tournament, organized by New York Times Crossword Editor Will Shortz (above right).


Photos by Don Christensen

Chexy's Sports Roundup

Now here's a sport I could get into! Andreas Goerlitz of Germany performs on the field against Stuttgart in a match of something that looks reasonably safe.

This has been Chexy's Sports Roundup, I Can Do That Edition.


Photo by Vladimir Rys/Bongarts/Getty Images