Britney's Sex Tape -- How Much?

In January, Britney Spears traveled the Southern California landscape in an apparently drug-addled, Starbucks-fueled, bipolar state -- in the company of paparazzo-turned-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, who is now said to be marketing a 2-hour sex tape of himself and the pharmacologically restored pop mom.


As sex tapes go, this would likely fetch more than the reported multi-millions paid for a glimpse of the turgid ass of Kim Kardashian being juggled by then-boyfriend Ray-J, who was seen driving a new Ferarri shortly after the tape sold. It was reported that Kim held out for a piece of it too, and may have picked up as much as a million -- maybe more. She's now a "reality star" and "Dancing with the Stars," badly. Ray J has subsequently been seen with the freshly resurrected Whitney Houston.

Of course, Paris suffered little harm from her sex tape, and settled quietly with her filmmaking BF, Rick Salomon, who went on to marry former sex tape star Pamela Anderson, who showed her best talent with gifted then-husband Tommy Lee. Salomon is said to have earned as much as $7-10 million from "One Night in Paris."

Even "Mini Me" aka Vern Troyer was seen in a sex tape. In the future, everyone will have a sex tape for fifteen minutes.

But back to Britney. Adnan isn't talking prices, but expect that a release of Brit in a sex tape could yield multi-millions, likely outselling her new album, "Circus." I recalled this night the two spent in a Santa Barbara hotel, where it looked like they might have been doing more than sharing a lollipop.

Chexy's Cartoon Corner

Henry Payne, Detroit News



Lala Alcaraz, L.A. Weekly, Hoy

McCain Goes to College

Trying to drum up support among young voters, Grandpa McCranky spoke at Capital University in Ohio, backed up by his financier, beer heiress wife Cindy, and doofus running mate Sarah Palin, who has been virtually sequestered from the press.


The 72-year-old four-time cancer survivor is running behind in the polls as anyone with a shred of common sense comes to the realization that he's a maniacal, unpredictable war monger and Palin is an airhead reactionary.

These two frighten me almost as much as the prospect of a third Bush term.

Amy and the Sunday Breakfast

Unfortunately, Carolyn and I are at odds again (she won't even answer my IMs) -- so making arrangements for my imaginary daughter Amy is even more difficult. Since Carolyn was late getting back from her boyfriend Fahd's mother's place in Gardena on Sunday morning, Amy decided she would invite me in for breakfast since I had to wait after dropping her off -- and she unwittingly attempted to serve these frozen breakfast sticks (which I've repeatedly asked Carolyn not to buy for her). Carolyn's approach to the diet war is akin to the troop surge approach to Iraq.


As you can see by this recent photo of Carolyn that Amy sent to me with her Hello Kitty phone, Carolyn has lost some weight, but now she's smoking again because of stress at work. Her boss at the PR firm is a major asshole -- it's one of the reasons we're no longer together. At least her unfortunate "Posh Bob" is growing out, which I had the discernment not to mention.


Carolyn finally returned, with Fahd, who managed to tear himself away from watching the PGA Tour Playoffs long enough to drive her home, during which time his Kia got a flat. Here's a picture Amy took of him earlier in the summer when they were at Raging Waters in San Dimas.


Amy didn't have to make breakfast after all. Carolyn and Fahd had stopped at Carl's Jr. and brought "brunch" -- Monster Breakfast Sandwiches for all of them, only 730 calories each (420 from fat), 530 mg. cholesterol, 1,210 mg. sodium and 39 carbs.


I told Amy she could have one Chocolate Chip Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick instead. She was thrilled. You have to choose your battles.


See Also: Recent Amy Stories

Nitwit Kid in Mom Hit to Buy Tits

Oh, there's something very wrong in Fountain, Colorado. Cops say a teenager there hired two dudes to off his mom so he could sell her car and raid her bank account to buy breast implants for his girlfriend. And you thought your kids were bad. On the next Tyra!

Nikita Lee Weis, 18, has been arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder, after his mom, Hyun Weis, was attacked with a small baseball bat while making dinner, and managed to escape from her home. She was released from a hospital on Friday.

Nikita and his GF, Sophia Nicole Alsept, 21, and two men that cops say Nik hired, Juan Antonio Velez Gonzalez, 18, and Brandon Michael Soroka, 19, were also arrested on a conspiracy to commit murder charge, lending new meaning to the word "busted."

The suspects had reportedly discussed wrapping mom's body in plastic and dropping it off in the desert in New Mexico or Arizona. How resourceful.

This is ample proof that men (and some women) can absolutely lose their minds over boobs. All are being held on $50,000 bail.

See Also: Top Slot Docs Knock Op Plots

Paul is Dead

Man, what a great guy. Paul Newman's food empire has raised over $250 million for charity, which along with his films, become his enduring legacy.


I liked him best in "What a Way to Go," as the wacky painter opposite Shirley MacLaine.

He was 83. <click for obit

Here's his 1954 screen test with James Dean for "East of Eden." He didn't get the part.



And take a look at this clip, circa 1981, of Newman talking about nukes with Charlton Heston.




See Also: Newman's Own Way

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

With this week's bank failure and high drama over the mortgage collapse, it seemed appropriate to visit the Great Depression. Here's Bing Crosby singing "Brother Can You Spare a Dime," which, adjusted for inflation, would be $1.23 today.



"That sure looks like a run on the bank!" When WaMu was seized, I thought of Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed saving that wonderful old Building and Loan on their wedding day in the timeless 1946 classic "It's a Wonderful Life."



Once the Depression started to turn around, thanks to the leadership of Franklin Roosevelt and his New Deal, films like "Gold Diggers of 1933" capitalized on the recovery with stars like the adorable Ginger Rogers -- who sings "We're in the Money" -- partially in Pig Latin.

Makeup Exam

An eighth-grade Ohio boy is challenging school administrators who want to prevent him from wearing this lovely makeup in class, saying it's against dress code and a distraction.


Matt Allsup, 13, also wears nail polish. The boy's mom notes that every student is required to wear a "character badge" pledging acceptance. "I don't see why we have to wear them if we're not able to express who we are," said Matt.

I think there ought to be regulations that require certain students (and workers) to wear makeup.

Then again, after seeing this picture of Christina Aguilera at a Rock the Vote event last night, perhaps some makeup regulations are in order.

Amy Winehouse Not Dead

In what appears to be her final days, Amy Winehouse performed at the End of Summer Ball in London, where the singer appeared to be wasted, and did more grunting than singing.


Gosh it'd be swell if someone could get this talented girl some help. And a sandwich.

To Debate, or Not to Debate?

While Washington attempts to sort out the best way to approach the mortgage bailout mess, and the Feds seize Washington Mutual bank, the big news is... bad actor Richard Gere opens with Diane Lane in the unfortunately titled "Nights in Rodanthe" -- in which Gere plays a doctor (ha) and Lane plays an "unhappily married woman." Get out your handkerchiefs, estrogen and Boniva. Oh, and there's the presidential debate.


We don't know yet if Grandpa McCranky is going to have on a fresh Depend and be ready to face Obama in Mississippi, or if he's going to be donning his Supercandidate cape and flying off to D.C. to beg bank depositors not to withdraw funds from the nation's struggling banks. My feeling is he'll show up, rather than suffer the humiliation of having Obama debate an empty podium, even though an empty podium would likely be a more effective debater.


George W. Bush is now making his last stand. He has successfully bankrupted the country, banks are failing, the credit mess will soon out-headline the mortgage mess, and Republicans continue to think, "This last eight years have been great! Let's have another!"


Tune in tonight to see if McCainus has taken enough Immodium and Xanax to get through the debate, and watch as Obama hands him a golden ticket to retirement in Arizona.

Paul McCartney in Israel

Sir Paul is in Israel to help celebrate the 60th birthday of the Jewish state, where he'll be performing a set tailored for the occasion.

A Day in the Life of My Tsuris

A Hard Day’s Night of Acid Reflux

All My Loving, And They Never Call

Back in the USSR, There Was So Little to Eat

Can’t Buy Me Love, Retail

Come Together, And We’ll Talk

Day Tripper, Use Your Walker

Fixing a Hole, Getting Several Estimates

Helter Skelter, Helter Shmelter

Hey Jew

Lucille in the Sky with Diamonds Irv Bought for Her

Yesterday, I Wasn’t So Gassy

Oy, I’m So Tired

Love Me Do, Already

Blueberry Fields Forever (They were on sale.)

Can't Buy Me Love, Yes You Can

I Wanna Hold Your Hand, My Back is Killing Me

I Saw Her Standing There, So I Made Lunch

Chexy's Cartoon Corner

Bob Englehart, Hartford Courant


John Cole, Scranton Times

Ivana Be Loved by You

No, it's not another opening at Madame Tussaud, that's real life ex wife of Donald Trump, Ivana, who is clearly in need of a better conditioner.


This is the smoky-eyed, hyperplucked, too much lip liner look that you want to avoid for autumn.

Ivana will be 60 in February. Her new husband is 35. Maybe this look does work.

Nah.

There's No Time Out in Politics!

From Chexydecimal London Bureau Chief Andy

Today John McCain challenged Barack Obama to postpone Friday's debate, and to put their campaigns "on hold" so they can focus on the economic crisis. This from the same man who just a week ago said the "fundamentals of the economy are strong."


There are two possible explanations for his turnaround. One is that he's simply an hysteric -- a drama queen who knows only knee-jerk reactions to crises and problems. Not exactly the person you'd want as leader of the free world. Compare this to Obama's reaction -- calm, steady, in control, and actually capable of chewing gum, preparing for a debate, and handling emerging events at the same time.

The second explanation is that McCain is like the petulant, childish schoolboy who realizes his term paper is due on Friday and he's not prepared, so he fakes a case of mono. It's a cowardly, arrogant and cynical political stunt.

Obama is absolutely right to reject it out of hand.

Another Gay Shocker

Liberace returned from the grave this morning, announcing that he too was gay.


He was followed by Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Reilly... and Plato.

And him.

LiLo, Sam, and Patsy Kelly

Another shocker for the gay world. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have told the world that they're sisters of the isle... an announcement coinciding with the anniversary of the 1981 death of self-proclaimed "dyke" actress and former West Hollywood resident, Patsy Kelly.


Kelly got her start in early Hal Roach comedies, and later won fame as Mrs. Schmauss in the original "Freaky Friday," starring Jodie Foster, later remade with Lindsay Lohan. A coincidence? I think not.


See Also: Freaky Tuesday

More Royal Hotness

Here's Her Royal Highness, Princess Beatrice, fifth in line to the British throne, looking like she just got off of one.


Bea is the eldest daughter of Prince Andrew and Weight Watcher Fergie. Too bad mom isn't repping some cosmetics company. B is on her way to her first day at college, where she'll major in some nonsense called The History of Ideas.

The princess shows that nothing quite smartens up a frilly summer dress like a gray wool jacket and black stockings. I can't even guess what she's wearing around her neck.

Clay Says He's Gay

Congratulations to Clay Aiken for unburdening straight people who claimed him as one of theirs.


Now he belongs to the gays.

Isn't that great?


See Also: Clay Aiken in "Spermalot"

Cloris Eats Up the Scenery on DWTS

They should have known Cloris Leachman would steal the whole show. Didn't anyone see "Young Frankenstein"?




In case you missed it:

Autumn in New York

I've been wishing fall would hurry up and get here.


David Blaine continues to hang around Wollman Rink. Aren't there laws?

The Duchess of Cornball

Camilla, the royal hotness and Duchess of Cornwall showed up for a fly-over of Westminster Abbey (where Diana's funeral was held), to commemorate the Battle of Britain, in which the Brits triumphed over the Nazis.

Camilla has clearly triumphed over her hairspray, allowing this colossal linen toilet seat of a feathered hat to remain flying over her head. And yes, I didn't think it was possible that I'd ever say this, but Camilla looks hot with a pearl necklace.

(click pic to enlarge)

Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images

Emmy Crap

In a broadcast "celebrating" the past 60 years of Emmy, the show sought help from some older television shows, which only served to highlight how utterly shitacious TV is today. Even the "Laugh-In" wall seemed a sad, shrill reminder of lost luster, rather than fond heyday. The biggest laugh of the night might have gone to Ruth Buzzi.


Tom Bergeron sitting around the "Seinfeld" set seemed to debase the memory of the show, leaving me wanting to get his blandness the hell off my screen with even more speed than usual. It's amazing that not a single Emmy producer rethought this idea without saying, "You know, we really need a comic for this job."

The defiling continued with a spine-tingling rendition of TV themes by alleged singer Josh Groban, who has all the parodic effect of a throw pillow.

Even Tommy Smothers seemed like a visit from the ghost of TV's 1960s consciousness, whose brand of humor has been replaced by the unfortunate slag heap of shows like "Gossip Girl," where tepid pique replaces drama, and (show name here) replaces comedy.

The show had one very positive effect. I slept well.

Amy and the Flea Market Finds

My imaginary daughter Amy and I drove down to the Long Beach Flea Market for our imaginary Sunday together. Big Carolyn had given Amy $40 to spend, so she was anxious to find something unusual. Yup, she's her father's daughter.

Her first find was this utterly hideous $5 hamburger telephone which she fell in love with, saying, "We can ketchup on our calls, Ricky! Get it? Ketchup??!! Get it??!" She's really quite advanced... and big for 6. And she sometimes takes after her mother. She later wanted some flea market fries "to go with my phone!"

Then she spotted this equally horrid Oreo panda cookie jar for $10. I was thrilled when Amy thought that was a little steep. Then the dealer, who misinterpreted my facial gestures and waving, reduced the price to $7. "Now yah tawkin'," said Amy in the lovely Boston patois she picked up from her mother. I graciously allowed Amy to keep this treasure at Carolyn's house, for which I received a hamburger phone earful from Carolyn.


Then, believing she'd spotted an item that would be ideal for my Asian-themed living room, she convinced a dealer to sell her this amalgam Sumo wrestler table for $28, proclaiming, "It's so me!"

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

Bette Davis, who would have been a hundred this year, was just honored with a stamp. Here she is on the Andy Williams Show in 1962, plugging "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" -- and if that movie didn't scare you, this will.



Now it just seems right to include a little "Baby Jane," now doesn't it? This is for all you Kevins out there. Here's Bette with Joan Crawford in 1962.



And, because I have to, here's Margo's monologue from "All About Eve," in the role depicted on the new stamp... with Celeste Holm, who is still alive and well at 91.

Sheik on It

King George II shakes the hand of Kuwait's Prime Minister Nasser al-Mohammed al-Ahmed al-Jaber al-Sabah (left), at the White House today, as the sheik apparently thanked Bushie for driving up oil prices and further eroding the status of the U.S. in the Arab world.


It's nice to have friends in high places. I'm sure Bush is grateful.


Photo by Saul LoebAFP/Getty Images

Chexy's Fashion Report

Hey gents, and some ladies, here's a new look from Huffer that I like to call "Lesbian Lumberjack Chic," as seen on the runway yesterday at Fashion Week in New Zealand.


Yes, add an ascot, guyliner and some black nail polish to this jacket, and you're ready for that breadbaking conference in Aspen, a meeting at Sundance, or being shunned by concerned citizens. The pin just makes it, doncha think?


Photo by Graham Denholm/Getty Images

Texting Blamed in L.A. Train Wreck

No more texting while driving. Now enjoy this cartoon!

Just Say No to Overturning Roe v. Wade

The press has been relentlessly hounding Eva Longoria about her alleged baby bump. Frankly, I’m so disgusted with hearing “baby bump” all the time, I feel like I have morning sickness -- that is, until I spotted this unaltered pic of 87-year-old Nancy Reagan taken last night at a dinner honoring Soviet dissident Natan Sharansky.


Palin’s daughter isn’t the only Republican bitch supporting McCain… and keeping her baby! Look at that glow!


Hat tip: Johnny Lopez. Photo: Getty
See also: Nancy's 87

Evildoers Team Up

While I was driving to work at Spacely Sprockets this morning, I got to thinking about Trump stumping for McCain... and while picturing the two together, I realized that they were like a pairing of cartoon evildoers -- and then it hit me. Kapow!

Trump Stumps for McCain

Combed-over mo-ron Donald Trump has thrown his execrable weight behind John McCain, trumpeting the same lies about Obama raising taxes on the middle class. Hopefully, this endorsement will lead to a role for McCain on "Political Apprentice," in which he and teammate Sarah Palin will set about raising funds to resuce a failed economy.


Trump just loves to bait the left wing. His merciless homophobic picking on Rosie O'Donnell as a ploy for drumming up viewers of his show was almost as ghastly as his hair, or whoever's hair that is.

It's no surprise he's for McCain -- the bastards all flock together -- holding their collective middle finger up to the economy to preserve their already ample pie piece, even in the face of evidence that the policies they support have driven the US to complete and utter disgrace and failure.

Tell the Republicans as Trump should: "You're FIRED!"

O'Neals: Arrested Development

Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond (by Farrah Fawcett) were arrested for drugs in Malibu... they're coming along nicely since their other recent arrests! Here's Ryan in 2007 (when he was popped after allegedly assaulting his other son, Griffin). It seems Ryan likes that t-shirt, a lot.


And today, wide-eyed after an arrest for meth.


And here's doofy Redmond after his arrest for heroin and meth last January.


And last night, narrow-eyed after being arrested for meth.


Now the two might get to spend some quality time together... in rehab or prison!

Palin Lookalike in Assassination TV Movie

This spooky pic is from an upcoming NBC TV mini-series called "XIII," about the first female U.S. President... who is shot dead by a sniper. Production wrapped in June, long before anyone outside of Alaska had heard of Sarah Palin. That's actress Mimi Kuzyk as President Sally Sheridan (click pic to enlarge).


We can only hope that life does not imitate art... and that Sarah Palin never becomes President... or Vice President.

Alaska Women Reject Palin

Ya gotta love this! A grassroots organization of Alaskan women staged what turned out to be the largest political rally in the state's history, to reject Sarah Palin! Look at this righteous '60s hotness!


AKMuckraker writes on her Mudflats blog (which has more great pix): "Never, have I seen anything like it in my 17 and a half years living in Anchorage. The organizers had someone walk the rally with a counter, and they clicked off well over 1,400 people (not including the 90 counter-demonstrators). This was the biggest political rally ever, in the history of the state."

Thankfully, no one was injured by this woman's hairdo, except me. But I still love her.


Via Chexydecimal Northern CA correspondents, Kevin and Muin

"What Kind of Fuckery is This?" --Amy Winehouse

For all the Republican trumpeting and a trillion-dollar boondoggle war to allegedly make America safer from those horrid terrorists (not the White House ones) -- seven years after 9/11, the U.S. is "dangerously vulnerable" to chemical, biological and nuclear terrorism, per a new report from the bipartisan Partnership for a Secure America.



The report says the U.S. has fallen behind in efforts to limit access to nuclear technology and combat bioterrorism.

Mission accomplished.

Chexy's Cartoon Corner

Justin Bilicki

Zahara to Get $2M Clinic in Ethiopia

Holy Haile Selassie! Brad and Angelina have announced a $2 million dollar gift to build a clinic in Addis Ababa to treat children with AIDS and tuberculosis. It will be named for daughter Zahara, who is now 3.


Stating what may become a life mission for baby Z, Brad said, "It is our hope that when Zahara is older, she will take responsibility for the clinic and continue its mission."

The Jolie-Pitt Foundation also built a clinic in 2006 in Phnom Penh, named for son Maddox.

UNICEF estimates that more than 900,000 children have been orphaned by AIDS in Ethiopia.

I'm considering a gift to Carolyn's chapter of Weight Watchers in honor of my imaginary daughter Amy.

Economy Collapsing, Republicans Keep Campaigning

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are getting a Fed bailout to the tune of a projected 25 billion dollars. Now Lehman Bros. and Merrill Lynch are collapsing, and today the stock market had its worst drop since 9/11. Folks, this is an economic collapse due to the bankrupting of America in order to fulfill the Bush/Cheney war/oil agenda. The voodoo economic chickens have come home to roost, and we're clearly in the proverbial shitter, while the war mongering bastards have gotten filthy rich by emptying the U.S. Treasury into their coffers.


And now McCainus will campaign on the idea that he's going to rid Washington of the good old boy network that made this mess with their misguided tax cuts and insane war spending that's collapsed the whole nation while enriching a select few. Now no one will be able to buy anything -- which means that extensive business failures are next, then rampant joblessness -- and yet Republicans and right wing Christian zealots think their policies are good for the nation?! Christ! How can so many people be so friggin' stupid?


What is to blame for this mass ignorance that sees a political party as their answer even as they destroy their country? Are they putting something in the Diet Coke? We've got trouble folks! How long until smaller banks start shutting down because of failed mortgages? I fear we're headed for a full-fledged depression, and these Band-Aid controls are designed to keep the whole thing from plunging into the abyss -- until after the election.


Number of days since "Mission Accomplished": 1971
Number of days between Pearl Harbor and the end of WWII: Only 1347

Amy and the Baby Daddy

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, announced as I applied her silvery blue nail polish, that she wanted a baby daddy. Apparently, she's been reading copies of Us magazine that my ex, Carolyn, leaves in her bathroom. "Can I have a Larry Birkhead baby daddy, Daddy?" she asked me, and then added nearly by rote, "And can you Supersize it please?" -- which tells me that Carolyn has again been taking Amy to McDonald's for Happy Meals.


Then Amy insisted, "Sarah Palin's daughter has a baby daddy, why can't I have one?"


Seeing that Amy didn't quite grasp what a baby daddy is, I asked her where she thought she might get one. "At Target," she shot back in the disdainful, incredulous tone reserved for children who find their parents painfully unaware. "And I need one soon because my stomach is getting bigger." (She's big for 6.)


I asked her how she knew about baby daddies at Target, and she answered without hesitation, "I saw it on Maury Pobitch." (Carolyn's favorite show.) One hour later, Amy chose her baby daddy from Target -- in the form of a plastic Zac Efron as Troy in "High School Musical."

John McCain and Palinocchio

(Chexynet) Special to Chexydecimal from London Bureau Chief Andy

The media won't say it as bluntly, and Barack Obama is a much too polite, nuanced and respectful politician to say it, but I’m just an American citizen living abroad, so I can say whatever I like. John McCain and Sarah Palin are liars. And they don’t tell just garden variety white lies, or half-truths, or things that are sort of true but misleading. They tell whoppers.

What’s more, when confronted with incontrovertible evidence that things they’re saying are lies, they just lie some more.

A few of their choice prevarications:

LIE: McCain claims in one of his ads (and all the time in his stump speeches) that Barack Obama promises higher taxes on middle-class Americans.

FACT: Obama’s plan would lower taxes on individuals earning less than $200,000 a year, and families earning less than $250,000 a year. The Urban Institute-Brookings Institution Tax Policy Center says that “the Obama plan would reduce taxes for low- and moderate-income families.

LIE: Sarah Palin visited Iraq.

FACT: Sarah Palin never visited Iraq. She was in Kuwait, and got as far as the border, but did not have the proper authorization to cross.

LIE: Sarah Palin visited Ireland.

FACT: Sure, she visited Ireland... the airport, while her plane was refueling. There's nothing like an hour of Duty Free shopping to get a solid grasp on a country’s culture and political dynamic.

LIE: In perhaps his sleaziest ad of all, McCain claimed Barack Obama advocated sex education for kindergarteners, insinuating that Obama was encouraging sexuality among 5 and 6 year old children.

FACT: As a State Senator in Illinois, Obama voted for (but did not sponsor) legislation that would have allowed schools to provide “age-appropriate” sex education -- designed to warn young children about inappropriate touching and help prevent molestation. To misrepresent “Show me where the bad man touched you” as “Hey, little girl, want some candy?” goes beyond the pale of lying and right into smear and fear mongering -- two staples of modern Republican campaigning.

LIE: Sarah Palin never supported the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere.”

FACT: Sarah Palin not only supported the bridge, but lobbied intensely for it, on the record. During her 2006 gubernatorial campaign, Palin showed up in Ketchikan and said the bridge was essential for the town's prosperity.

LIE: McCain said in introducing Sarah Palin that she sold the private plane previously used for the office of the Governor of Alaska on eBay, and made a profit.

FACT: The plane was in fact posted on eBay, but failed to sell. The state was later forced to sell it privately, at a loss of a half million dollars.

What truly boggles the mind, though, is not just that they lie. It's the brazen way in which they do it -- and defiance in the face of contradictory evidence. It's the real Bush Doctrine at work; just repeat the lies often enough, and maybe people will start to believe you.

by Andy

Mediocrity Rules

One of the casualties of the "American Idol" culture is that many have come to view mediocrity as the rule; it's acceptable, it's simply the best the "attempters" can do; it's the Seacrestation of culture -- when no talent subs for real talent -- and the lowest among the wannabe-gifted rise to a stinky distinction by virtue of repeated exposure and lack of discerning tastes. Ryan will host the Emmys this year. Tom Bergeron must not have been available.


The culture is thereby rewarded with imbeciles and no-talents rising to the top, best exemplified by White House terror King George II, and the nomination of Christian demagogue Sarah Palin as GOP VP. Mix in a little Nazi politics of repeating untruths until they can't be distinguished from truth, and you've got the perfect storm for ignominy rewarded with support of the ignorant. Text your vote.


There's so little quality in so many aspects of the culture, that when something of value appears, it's quickly demeaned so as not to cause any ripples in the vast amalgamation of mediocrity -- lest the whole system of elevating the lowliest collapse in a steaming heap.


The 60th Primetime Emmys airs on Sunday, September 21. Dina Lohan has not been nominated.

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

Today's matinee starts with two of the greatest artists of the 20th century... look at this swell duet from Ethel Merman and Judy Garland from 1963, which includes three Cole Porter songs... and a quick cut of Tony Bennett at the end!



And because it's simply the funniest movie ever made, how about a bit from "Young Frankenstein," with the classic "candle" bit -- with Teri Garr and Gene Wilder. I saw this movie at least 18 times when I was a wee lad.



And one more -- because he's the best there ever was... with a tremendous Nelson Riddle arrangement and the Count Basie band, singing "I've Got You Under My Skin," it's Frank Sinatra.

Sarah Palin: It's a No-Brainer

Having seen a clip of Sarah Palin being interviewed by Charlie Gibson, I am now thoroughly convinced that she can easily be the leader of the free world. I mean, how bright do you have to be? We've seen during the past eight years that even an idiot can do it... with the right help from a Naziesque shadow government controlled by monsters like Rove and Cheney.


Clearly, if Palin can answer puffball questions from puffy Charlie Gibson, she can get this trillion-dollar deficit under control! It doesn't bother me that she had never even traveled overseas until recently -- because it's obvious she can say and do whatever she's told without having to engage her cerebrum.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

(Reports say the book burning list is a hoax.)

Lipstick on a Pig Distraction

"Personally, moi is offended by all these 'pig in lipstick' remarks. You know, Karl Rove is a pig and he's running McCain's campaign. Why don't those Republicans focus on the bigger issues... like better slop, high corn prices, and eliminating the worldwide horror of bacon?"

Chexy's Fashion Report

No, darlings, that's not your Chexy at Fashion Week -- it's a Thom Browne model at his Spring 2009 show! Next time I'm invited to a gay wedding, I know what I'll be wearing!


Although I think I'll raise that hemline a little... and I'm not quite sure gingham works with checks.


Photo by: Scott Wintrow/Getty Images (via Johnny)

The End is Nigh

"Entertainment Tonight" and "Insider" have reached a new low in celebrity journalism. And you didn't think it could be done! Kim Kardashian and her mother, Kris Jenner, have been named their new correspondents! Or as Kim says on her website: "corespondents." Oh, and she'll be shaking her mountainous ass on "Dancing with the Stars" this season.


Kim catapulted to pseudo-celebrity as the bosomy, amply-buttocked, doe-eyed chum of pal Paris Hilton, with whom she is no longer seen. After finally revealing her talents in a homemade porno tape with gifted boyfriend, Ray J, Kim's appeal became clear. It's rumored that her cut of the porn tape was in the neighborhood of $1 million. Not bad for an hour's "work."


Ray J, brother of accident-prone Brandy, went on to squire recovering crack addict Whitney Houston. Kim was a stylist for Brandy, then Ray J's mother sued Kim and her family for allegedly ringing up more than $100,000 on her American Express card -- don't leave hos without it!

Kim's father was Robert Kardashian, friend of O.J. Simpson, the last person seen with O.J.'s suitcase on the day following the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, which many say contained O.J.'s bloody clothing. It was never found. In a very clever trick, he renewed his legal license to become one of O.J.'s lawyers, which prevented him from being called to testify. He died of esophageal cancer in 2003.


Congratulations to Kim and Kris. Well played.

Chexy's Cartoon Corner

Cartoon by: Daryl Cagle

Sarah Palin Grants Interview

She puts the ass in Alaska, and now she'll put her ass in the hotseat with ABC news puff pastry Charlie Gibson, who will no doubt ask about her designer eyeglasses and days as a beauty pageant contestant. And a good thing too, because when it comes right down to it, you want a good looking babe who also looks smart to be in charge of the nuclear briefcase. McCainus likes her ass too.

Chexy's Fashion Report!

Here's an eye-popping look for your next pool party! This model clearly had a rough time getting into this peek-a-boob ribbon bathing suit from Herve Leger by Max Azria, as seen at Fashion Week in NYC yesterday.


Or perhaps she just couldn't see through that tinted windshield. This titillating creation can also be drawn on with a Sharpie.

Bush Plays Ball While Mortgage Giants Collapse

While Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were being taken over by the Feds on Sunday in the most shocking financial collapses since the Great Depression, King George II (right) took time out to play a little tee ball on the White House lawn.


Hey, a guy needs a break once in a while. It's not easy being in charge of so much corruption, myriad lies and spectacular failure.*

If he doesn't get any from the rest of the world, at least he gets some respect from chipmunks, or whatever the hell that mascot is.



*The National Debt has continued to increase an average of $1.93 billion per day since September 28, 2007. (brillig.com)

Amy and the Tramp Stamp

My imaginary daughter Amy returned from an overnight with my ex, Carolyn, and her mother, Big Carolyn, who is again visiting from Boston after winning an exacta at the track.

The three were at Morongo Casino near Palm Springs, where Big Carolyn continued her winning streak by hitting a jackpot on a quarter slot for $2,200 -- a victory they allowed Amy to celebrate for three and a half hours at the buffet. Here's a photo Amy asked a cocktail waitress to take of the three of them with her Hello Kitty cell. Yes, I know, she's big for 6.


On the way home, they stopped in Pomona at the L.A. County Fair, where Amy enjoyed such culinary treats as Deep Fried Pop Tarts, as seen being made here by their creator (and Amy's new best friend), Chicken Charlie.



To add to my chagrin and horror, while at the fair, Carolyn allowed Amy to get a temporary tattoo, which I discovered when I walked into the kitchen and saw Amy reaching for the shelf where I keep her dietetic See's Candy.


A tramp stamp doesn't look good on any woman, and I assure you, they're also unflattering on a 6-year-old.

Britney Wins a VMA, Y'all!

Congratulations to Britney Jean Spears, who after 16 nominations finally won three Video Music Awards for Best Female Video, Best Pop Award and Video of the Year for her "Piece of Me."


Congratulations, too, to the Stewart and Lynda Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA, where Britney Jean was treated. Props to Britney's dad, who managed to get his daughter away from the likes of Sam Lutfi, and restored to health.

As TMZ used to say, "ding dang."

The winning video:

Artist Site

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Old Queens and Young Men

It's always nice to see an old queen out and about, enjoying an event like the Annual Braemar Highland Gathering in Scotland, where they play games like tug of war. And that's how Betty Deuce brought it yesterday in royal red.


Her majesty's milliner was clearly inspired by recent events in China.


Here are some participants in the Braemar gathering, allegedly having their shoes inspected (click to enlarge).

Chexy's Saturday Matinee!

Today's matinee is from one of my favorite films, the noir classic, "The Strange Love of Martha Ivers," starring the great Van Heflin -- check out how well his acting holds up. This film was made in 1946 -- and marked the debut of Kirk Douglas, now 91. Barbara Stanwyck plays the lead in a twisted tale of love and blackmail. Oh, and the luscious Lizabeth Scott -- who's 86. (She starred opposite Elvis in 1957's "Loving You.")



Then, the rage of the Cotton Club in 1930, how about a little Cab Calloway?! Shake it!



And now, from "Broadway Melody of 1940," it's Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell dancing their feet off to my favorite song in the whole world, "Begin the Beguine." Watch how long they dance without a cut.

Proof That Republicans are Dumb

After watching the mo-rons cheering McCain's speech, I'm convinced it's plain stupidity that causes many to vote Republican, and now statistics bear me out.


I'm thinking today about the late Tim Russert, who said that New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona and Nevada will be key states in 2008 and that if Dems can win three of them, then Ohio and Florida wouldn't matter. This made me wonder what average IQs were in those states, and how it compared with how they voted.


I found this handy chart to measure dimwittedness, income, and the last presidential election, so I could see what the chances are of winning key states Russert mentioned.

The average American IQ is 98. Where intelligence was higher, more voted for Kerry, and the dumber states voted for Bushie. Florida and New Mexico are among the dumbest, and they went to Bush. Colorado and Arizona did too. Uh-oh.

This proves my contention that most of the people voting Republican are generally too dumb to understand that their candidates are the reason they're doing so badly -- outside of their low intelligence. Where's God when you need him?

IQ and states	Income/ person	2004 vote
(alphabetically by IQ)	in 2003*	Rep-Dem
104 IQ	$34,702
New Hampshire	34,702	Kerry
103 IQ	33,351
Oregon	29,340	Kerry
Massachusetts	39,815	Kerry
Wisconsin	30,898	Kerry
102 IQ	31,753
Colorado	34,238	Bush
Connecticut	43,173	Kerry
Illinois	33,590	Kerry
Iowa	29,043	Bush
Kansas	29,935	Bush
Minnesota	34,443	Kerry
Montana	25,920	Bush
Nebraska	30,758	Bush
North Dakota	29,204	Bush
Oklahoma	26,656	Bush
Vermont	30,740	Kerry
Washington	33,332	Kerry
101 IQ	31,737
Alaska	33,568	Bush
Maryland	37,331	Kerry
Michigan	30,439	Kerry
Missouri	28,252	Bush
New York	36,574	Kerry
Ohio	29,944	Bush
Utah	24,977	Bush
Wyoming	32,808	Bush
100 IQ	30,745
Arizona	26,838	Bush
California	33,749	Kerry
Idaho	25,811	Bush
Maine	28,831	Kerry
Nevada	31,266	Bush
New Jersey	40,427	Kerry
Pennsylvania	31,998	Kerry
Rhode Island	31,996	Kerry
South Dakota	29,234	Bush
Virginia	33,671	Bush
West Virginia	24,379	Bush
99 IQ	30,835
Delaware	32,810	Kerry
Hawaii	30,913	Kerry
Indiana	28,783	Bush
98 IQ	27,368
Florida	30,446	Bush
Arkansas	24,289	Bush
97 IQ	27,599
Alabama	26,338	Bush
Georgia	29,442	Bush
Kentucky	26,252	Bush
Louisiana	26,100	Bush
North Carolina	28,235	Bush
Tennessee	28,455	Bush
Texas	28,372	Bush
96 IQ	25,541
New Mexico	25,541	Bush
95 IQ	48,342
District of Columbia	48,342	Kerry
94 IQ	24,790
Mississippi	23,448	Bush
South Carolina	26,132	Bush

Hecklers More Compelling Than McCain

Several American heroes who protested at last night's RNC were removed from the Minnesota Excel Center where John McCain drowsily offered his frightful vision of President Bush's third term.

One of the protesters was just like McCain -- a veteran -- who had served in Fallujah, Iraq, and was unhappy with McCain's voting record on vet affairs. McC took the opportunity to remind Americans that he'd been tortured in Vietnam. It's important to remind Republicans how the entire world has been tortured for the past eight years.


Throngs of protesters were kept far from the building, and instead gathered on bridges and highways, where over 250 peaceful objectors were arrested. Over 420 were arrested over the three days of the convention, including many journalists.

McCain's alleged vision includes building 45 new nuclear reactors by 2030.

Palin: Impaired Cognitive Development

Sarah Palin wound up her cranky audience of mostly white admirers last night with a speech offering no solutions to America's myriad woes, leaving thinking Americans with a reverberating nausea at the thought that an even more conservative right-wing/do-nothing pairing could succeed the failures of Bush/Cheney.


I would imagine that for Republicans, after witnessing the bankrupting of the country because of the Iraq war, and the subsequent thrashing of the economy during the historic incompetency of the past eight years, that supporting McCain/Palin is a bit like knowing you're going to have a retarded baby... and opting to keep it. If only the Republicans had the same consideration, and had spared the lives of the 4,152 American soliders who have died in Iraq... and the lives of 1,255,026 Iraqis.


See Also: Village Idiot Appears in South Korea

Crikey, Has It Been Two Years Already?

Aussie animal lover Steve Irwin died two years ago today, when a stingray barb pierced his heart near the Great Barrier Reef.


As an avid indoorsman, I strongly recommend the joys of crossword puzzles, humorous fiction... and blogging.

The Republican Disgrace

At the request of McCainus, Republicans meeting in the bowels of hell were treated to 8 minutes of the embarrassing, pixilated spectre of their failed and despised leader, Dumb King George II. His evil droogie, Treasury Drainer Dick Cheney, has been disinvited altogether, with the emphasis on the dis.


This transparent effort to distance themselves from the malevolent one shows that there is no gesture of soulless disregard that Republican leadership will not stoop to in order to achieve their goals, proving that their alleged "values" are made of effluvium and baloney.


Britain's Telegraph reports that when a consultant to the RNC was asked if Bushie's absence was a godsend to McCainus, answered, "You can say that again."

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Dumbshit

Shrillisabitch Hasselbeck was being her usual imbecilic self Tuesday on "The View," declaring her love for Sarah Palin, repeating what she'd been fed by the Republican idiocy machine -- with the whining, babbling screed for which she's become so despised.

This horrid little twit managed not to work herself to tears today (her last refuge when she's out of gas), and Whoopi Goldberg (at least in this clip) clearly couldn't even bother responding to such flatulent twerpitude.



Sherri offers her own brand of dumbasarock deductive reasoning, while Joy looks like she's one bran muffin away from apoplexy, and Bubba Wawa had to interject to prevent the great vacuum of Elisabeth's skull from imploding the entire set.

Joan Rivers Greets the Press

Joan Rivers was not plastic when she met the London press to promote her new play, "A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress."


Click to see how great she looks.

The Palin Problem

In the release issued by Sarah and Todd (Todd!) Palin about their daughter's pregnancy, they say, "We’re proud of Bristol’s decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents." Decision?! This is exactly the type of "decision" Palin would like to abolish! The nerve!


Some have suggested that she's the next Thomas Eagleton, the VP nominee of George McGovern who quit the ticket after revelations that he'd undergone shock treatments. I knew Tom Eagleton, and she's no Tom Eagleton.

It's reassuring to see that the Palins were able to teach Bristol the virtues of abstinence.

Obama has taken the high road in this, saying that children should be "off-limits" in the campaign.

In other campaign news -- George Bush and Dickie Cheney announced that they were abandoning their appearances at the convention because of Hurricane Gustav. How convenient! Now that Gustav's petered out, don't expect Bush and Dick to appear. McCain has enough Bush problems.

UPDATE: Bush will appear tonight -- via satellite. Now we can witness mass insanity when the Republicans cheer the most unpopular president ever, whose legacy of failure will reverberate for a century.

The Jerry Lewis Telethon

I caught part of the horror that is the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon last night, where a gasping, wincing Jerry did an unholy medley of, would you believe, Al Jolson hits? Believe it.

Jerry, 82, also announced that next year's MDA telethon would benefit Ed McMahon, whose mummified presence still chortles at Jerry's horrid ad-libs, like "Open the damn curtain, for Christ's sake!" and "Get a shot of the Jew!"

Check out this clip, starting with "Mammy," and into "Swanee," and "Rock A Bye Baby." It's a wonder Jerry didn't drop dead at the end. I almost did just watching it.



Other highlights included Tony Orlando singing "Knock Three Times" for the 10,000th time, and Maureen McGovern's operatic rendition of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'." I kid you not. Other living dead performers included malaprop Catskillian Norm Crosby and disco queen turned anti-gay born again, Gloria Gaynor, who actually survives.


When Supreme Tall Cedar George Morgan gave Jerry a check for $400,000, Jerry responded with, "That's it?"

If you're wondering who'll take over for Jerry when he finally croaks, wonder no more. It looks like they're grooming Tom Bergeron for the job, because he doesn't have enough work with "Dancing with the Stars" and "America's Funniest Videos," and because Tom is such a brilliant performer.

Amy and the Back-to-School Lunch Box

Carolyn and I had another "discussion" over her allowing Amy to wear her penguin pants for six days, and then another over Amy's back-to-school gear, namely, her lunch box.


You wouldn't think this would be a big deal, but Carolyn works in PR and is very concerned about "the image Amy is projecting," and went on and on about "empowerment" and "a sustaining culture" and "18,000 cracks in a glass ceiling" for half an hour, until I wondered if I could cause 18,000 cracks in her sliding glass balcony door by hurling myself through it.

Auntie Jean interrupted her reading of the new Doris Day biography to offer Amy the Barbie and Francie lunch box she'd had since her elementary school days, but Carolyn was concerned there might be lead in the paint. Fahd, Carolyn's ersatz boyfriend, momentarily turned his attention from "Big Brother 10" to unhelpfully interject, "When I was a boy in Turkey, we had paper sacks made from straw."


Then Carolyn decided she had just the thing for improving Amy's prestige -- from some swag-suite event she'd attended when she was working on the Grammys -- a Louis Vuitton bag. Jean mercifully said, "She's a 6-year-old first-grader, not Kim Kardashian -- although they might be of similar intellect, but I don't want to insult Amy."


Amy then settled the quandary by declaring that she wanted a "gender neutral kind." I wasn't sure whether I had Carolyn or Jean to thank for teaching her that curious phrase. After a quick Internet search, here's what Amy selected.


An imaginary father's work is never done.